Due to the impossibility of me ever having the patience to recount my entire European vacation, I’m reducing my commentary to a short list of risible quotes and events from the trip. Give my family a couple wieldy suitcases, a tentative trip itinerary, and a plane, and we’re sure to awe you with our uncanny propensity for being the most conspicuous tourists around. Please be entertained by the weirdness that is my family.
1. “I couldn’t taste my ice cream because we were walking.” –angrily announced by my mother while in Paris, France. You may be overwhelmed by the artistry with which this statement was crafted. I was too. Mere seconds after those words had streamed out of her mouth, I was mentally commending both her seamless logic and her unerring regard for the laws of sensory, neuro, and motor biology. Like, watch out Einstein, there’s a new genius in town. Because we were walking, I couldn’t taste my ice cream. My ice cream could not be tasted because we were walking. We were walking, therefore I could not taste my ice cream. My walking ice cream could not be tasted. We were walking ice creams, so I could not be tasted. Any way you put it, these words amalgamate to expose a radical truth that we, as mortals, have not yet been able to comprehend (other than my mom). I, too, have now come to the realization that I cannot taste ice cream whilst walking, so from here on out I refuse to lift a spoon of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream to my lips unless I am comfortably seated on my desk chair, a couch, or a clean public bench.
2. Navigational “troubles” in driving out of London, England. Our Tom Tom (GPS) decided to conceal itself in our luggage, so we were forced to use our brains in weaving our way out of the city. What can I say, using god-given human powers instead of technology always sucks. We made a minimum of ten wrong turns. We entered the same dead-end twice. We drove on the wrong side of the road. Our car made an illegal appearance in the Bus Lane. Other drivers observed this and sent a plethora of honks in our direction. We got off the highway at the wrong exit. I put in my earphones and turned the volume up on my iPod to muffle the heated drama in the front seat.
3. Finding Internet access in Normandy, France (a.k.a. complete wilderness, the land of forests and rustic countryside, or, more simply, the middle of nowhere). Okay, this is still not even halfway funny to me. I’m just going to be really sensitive about this no matter how long ago in the past it was. You guys, I have an awesome internship that requires nearly 24/7 Internet access. All my duties need to be executed under the thin veil of a Wi-Fi cloud and with perfect timing. Throw in wilderness and a nine-hour time difference, and there are going to be crickets on the social media pages that I’m in charge of updating. Thankfully my boss(es) were patient with me during my stay in the prehistoric age of sparse Internet and undomesticated horses.
4. “There should only be about ten minutes left.” –earnestly affirmed by my father to my displeasured siblings during Intermission of the Shakespeare play Much Ado About Nothing, as we stood shuddering in the frosty evening rain at the Globe Theatre, with legs aching and bodies clad in translucent orange ponchos. Two hours later, the play ends.
Can we please take a second to analyze the above photo? Like, are we The Buckle Family Band? Are we posing for the cover of our new album which features twelve highly anticipated tracks, and a special bonus track plus a music video if you want to buy the Deluxe Edition? Or is this my dad’s artistic take on an average 21st-century bourgeois family fighting to overcome the barriers of cultural disparity while loitering in a small town in Normandy?
I don’t know. You tell me.
*Title: “Ruby Tuesday” by The Rolling Stones